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end over end i'm circling
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| the last post im gonna make on this |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|03:37 pm] |
hi.
its been a while since i wrote i know.
theres been a great deal going on in my life. even though im online alot, usually i get caught up in enough that the last thing i can do is come here and put alot of energy into writing messages here...not because it's a huge effort, but as strange as it sounds, this livejournal has just too much associated with it from my past, and every time i come back here im somewhat forced to scroll down and read and remember and start to take myself back to that period of my life and feel pain.
im really trying to change.
i dont need to be reminded of it all the time.
theres a chance i might set up a blog somewhere else. but otherwise, this is it. im gonna leave this message up here for people to see.....ill be deleting all messages and leaving my account to be wiped out forever in about a week or something
to all the people who see this who added me as their friend...do continue to stay in touch..if you've got msn messenger, add me : skid_marks143[at]hotmail.com - get rid of the [at] and replace with @ when emailing
ok. so long.
take care |
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| posting |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|10:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Oasis - "Magic Pie" | ] |
hmmm
thought i was dead didnt you? ..so did i...and i still do...feel dead..
so what have i been up to? not a great deal really. just going on with life. doing college work..writing music...playing guitar..listening to music.......about two weeks ago i went and saw QOTSA live...that was fucking amazing...i might have already mentioned this...anyway..and then..yeah..earlier this week i was feeling rather sad and lonely so i decided to head down to see Billy Corgan, which was pretty good. turns out he was also doing an acoustic show at a small club the night after, so i went down to that, and that was great, very intimate and acoustic...did songs off his solo album, which i think sound great acoustic with a proper band format, so im sure they would sound amazing with a full "electric" band..he also did some other unreleased solo material and a version of the song "Of a Broken Heart" by Zwan which was unreal, and he closed off the night with a unreleased song called "You were mine" which fucking broke my heart because its a total nostalgic reminiscing kind of love song and i'm sure you know who i thought of
anyway here i am now, ready to begin another week. i guess im handling things okay.....well i made friends with people i met at the qotsa and billy corgan shows...that makes it a bit easier..its nice..but i still find myself thinking about...things....and Billie...and it sucks man. i mean day to day life..im somehow struggling on..but randomly i find myself thinking of her and everything, even though i don't think about anything we did together..that entire chapter is blocked out..all the great times..all the tears......hey i actually wrote a song about it all..i might put it up sometime..someday..but anyway yeah..just trying to carry on with life. i feel really down and sad and lonely. not only do i feel bad about how things have turned out at life, but i feel bad about how i've turned out....all the sadness and negative feelings and low self esteem.........i feel like i don't even know myself anymore....
i'm also finding myself going back and listening to stuff i haven't listened to for ages...Oasis for instance, a band i used to worship, who i grew out of even though i still respect and love...listening to "Be here now" which i haven't listened to for at least 5 or 6 years...also trying to get into some new bands..but thats another story...but yeah..i suppose..subconsciously..im trying to block out recent years of my life....going back to those years of my life...before everything happened with my friends and Billie and that......damn...so many bloody regrets.....and then going back to old habits i had..bad habits...using suggestive methods to cure the emotional pain.....and it's starting to wear me down..but i have to admit, as helpless and dead end as it sounds..it helps somewhat...but its just sad..seeing what ive gone back to...after all the optimism..damn. what a failure.
well thats all for now......i guess ill post again sometime...obviously the updates are less frequent because im trying to work things out and i don't have that much to update on...for now anyway....because if i kept posting it would be the same useless depressing shit....guh..
this is life i guess.
*shrug* |
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| hi |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|09:59 pm] |
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| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Enemy - "Vacancy" | ] |
hi..wait...who am i fucking saying hello to :S
well ive been pretty busy the last few days, hence the lack of general internet-related activity. saw two great queens of the stone age gigs at the enmore theatre in sydney last thursday and friday nights...and since then..just been working on college stuff...playing guitar..writing...listening to music.
i feel really weird and awkward right now. i know ive said this thousands of times but things feel really different with me now. so much has changed. alot of the closer friendships ive had in the last one or two years have all dissolved and now i'm either meeting new people or getting back in close touch with people i haven't seen in years...it's strange...by the way with the "meeting new people" comment, i don't mean that i've met and made a new bunch of friends..i mean ive just..met new people...at the qotsa concerts and that.....well i did meet a nice girl called Alana....spent a fair bit of time with her over those two days..shes great....but i don't think anything's going to happen....i guess a part of my new attitude and perspective towards life is that i don't get too hopeful for anything and just let it all come as its meant to.....
and yeah..i just didn't realise how much of my life the whole thing with Billie (thats the girl btw who ive been referring to before....i don't give a fuck anymore i don't care if she comes across all this and reads what i've wrote) took up.....it's just weird...even small things like not rushing to talk to her when she comes online...like there...now..she's just come online..and i'm not exactly gonna rush to say hello....it just feels awkward.....emptiness. i dunno. i feel mixed about it all.
anyway for once i don't really have much more to write..or rather, rant / whinge / complain / cry about.
well...i'm off to listen to ENEMY....ill write again sometime i guess |
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| i'm just walking the miles.. |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|09:30 am] |
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| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My Morning Jacket - "Knot Comes Loose" | ] |
well. here i am. still alive. i can't say i feel very alive. the last disappointment in a very long line of dissapointments in my life recently. i feel like i'm at a major crossroads. i don't know where to go from here. or what's going to happen. people say you should have stuff to aspire to and hopes and dreams..but for me it's not about reaching a particular goal in life....it's who you've got with you along the way. i think strongly about friendships and family relationships and relationships in general. this sounds really fucking sad and lame and stupid, but sometimes i just need to feel some sort of affection from someone. I need to feel like I belong somewhere. My family relationships are all strained and fucked up. I've lost too many friends over time. there's nothing i can do about it now. it's all over. somehow..someway..i'm gonna have to try and pick things up and carry on. people telling me to be positive and accept it and move on because i'm better than shit like that.....while i really appreciate what everyone has to say (and thanks for the comments also)..i don't know..it just feels really awkward and weird. things are really changing for me now. i guess there's no point carrying this post on because it's just gonna sound more and more weird and confusing and repetitive.
i just have to try and figure it out. somehow. and i guess i can only hope someday things might change again, this time preferrably for the better. |
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| just like that alice in chains song... |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|06:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  THERE ARE NO FUCKING WORDS | ] |
Well it's over now
Yet I can see somehow
When it's all gone wrong
It's hard to be so strong
I spoke to a particular love interest in my life (yes, whom i have referred to almost constantly in this livejournal in the past). I've just come out of what might be the most traumatic and haunting MSN conversations of my life. Sure, she's still very thrilled about coming to see Queens of the Stone Age with me on friday.
But..
But she's...
she's..\
she's met another guy.
another guy.
fuck man.
I just feel like my entire nervous system has shut down.
So, give me a nice thick built concrete wall to throw myself against repeatedly until I knock myself out. Throwing myself against a speeding bus or throwing myself in front of a moving train isn't enough. That's letting me off to easy. Far too fucking easy. I need to feel something. I need to feel something new. I've felt love. I've felt sadness. I need to feel alot of fucking pain. Physical Pain. To knock some sense in to myself, and then knock myself out full stop.
Alright.........so I hope the fucking Gods looking down are pissing themselves laughing now. YOU FINALLY SCREWED MY FUCKING LIFE UP ONCE AND FOR ALL. YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. YOU HAPPY? YOU FUCKING HAPPY? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOREVER. I DON'T GO FUCKING STEALING. I DON'T COMMIT CRIMES. I DON'T OFFEND. I DON'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST PEOPLE. AND THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING GET IN RETURN? FUCK KARMA. KARMA IS A PILE OF STEAMING FRESH HOT OFF THE STOVE BULLSHIT. BULL FUCKING SHIT. FUCK THIS. THATS THE LAST TIME I TRY TO BE A FUCKING REASONABLE CONSIDERATE HUMAN BEING. GETS YOU FUCKING NOWHERE. SO MUCH FOR FUCKING SPIRITUALITY. SO MUCH FOR TRYING TO GET SOME SORT OF SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE INTO MY LIFE. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME. HEY, LIFE, AND GODS UP THERE WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOOK OUT FOR YOUR LIFE..I HOPE YOU LIKED TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME, AND I HOPE THE FUCK WAS GOOD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOUR NOT GONNA SCREW ME AROUND ANYMORE, PUN INTENDED. |
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| im still alive |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|11:04 pm] |
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| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Tearjerker" | ] |
gees i haven't posted in a while have i. nothing much going on in my life really. all kinds of shit going on in my life at the moment with friends, family. seems like my life is coming to a crossroads. and it seems like everything that happened in my life...all the lessons i've learnt..it's all being tested now..coming to a crossroads...what's best not only for me, but for my friends...if this makes any sense.
that's about all i have to say. as for things with the girl...things are still kind of neutral. nothing good, nothing bad. the QOTSA gig is this coming friday. still hoping to bump into her online on msn or to send her an sms just to make sure she's still coming. and as i plan to tell her before we head for the venue, i hope that we can leave any ill feelings in the past and make this a new start..not necessarily committing anything straight off....just "slowly taking it as it comes".."seeing how things go"..which is pretty much my perspective on life at the moment.
on a unrelated note; ive been getting back into the Red Hot Chili Peppers a fair bit lately. going back and listening to alot of older stuff. I admit I kind of burnt it out at one stage in my life and scrapped them altogether, but for the first time in about 5 years (pretty much since it was released), i listened to CALIFORNICATION..and i forgot about how just feelgood and powerful the music was. and been listening to a fair bit of "One Hot Minute" also. severely underrated album. "tearjerker" is beautiful. i've been listening to that on repeat for the last hour.
EDIT: i've responded in the comments and also posted this on the board...but if that anonymous person who commented in my last post with very encouraging remarks sees this...can you please email me - bs472[at]yahoo.com.au (replace [at] with @ when emailing) or reply with your contact details so i can get in touch with you? i would really appreciate it, especially considering you've been in a similar situation. thanks. |
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| a post |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|07:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Queens of the Stone Age - "The Blood is Love" | ] |
hmm
well. here's another post. i don't have a great deal to say really. day wasn't really that exciting. just went to a mate's place..well that was fun..played guitar..played some old school PC games..always great..then i went into the city just to buy some stuff, pay some bills, send post etc.
that was it really :/. otherwise, there's nothing going on. i'm just not really thinking about anything much now. just; playing guitar..listening to music..reading some books..nothing interesting.
..of course, dont get me wrong..the thought of a certain somebody crosses my mind every now and then...but i usually just shrug it off. i'm not..or rather, i'm trying not to think too much about her and where things are gonna go with us. i'm not getting my hopes up; i'm not let down. i'm just really kind of taking it as it comes. it's a weird phase. because she's told me how she felt about everything. we had our little breakdown. so..i guess..maybe...i dunno..things are somewhat on track..for now anyway..but i'm not holding my breath at all..because as far as i know things could take a left turn at any moment or day..we never made it clear that "okay..we're working again to try and see if a relationship can come from this"..nothing like that at all......i haven't bought it up..and i'm not sure if i should..if anyone out there is reading this...i could really use your help on this one..can you leave me a comment and let me know what you think?...
so yeah..and in the end..i'm just waiting for the QOTSA gig...to see what happens there. i don't expect things will change at all. but i'm gonna try. |
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| wow |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|10:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
things can change
i ended up getting an sms from her late friday night, asking if i wanted to meet up with her on saturday. well, saturday came. and we met up for about one or two hours, and it was great. it was just like old times. even better. it was really fun. i wasn't nervous at all. it seriously felt like a new beginning. at the end before she went home she told me she would come to the QOTSA concert with me and that she couldn't care less what her work says about doing overtime because she doesn't want to miss out and it's going to be a special night
right now.......for the first time in a long time.......i don't feel heavy at all. i just feel rested. i told her on MSN before that i wouldn't have spent my day any other way and she was touched. and she said it was great to see me back in good spirits. and she thinks everything is good between us and the past is in the past.
take my word for it. from now on...things are gonna be very different.
for once...i don't feel bad about anything. the only thing that bothers me right now is waiting the two weeks until the concert. who cares. |
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| just when you thought it was over...ANOTHER fucking quiz / trivia bullshit thing |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|08:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
here we go. another bloody quiz / trivia thing about myself. i've got no idea why i do these so much. I guess in a weird, indirect way, i'm getting to know myself. then again i've got issues. nevermind. to the quiz / trivia thingy. and again, half of you can probably answer these questions about me now because theyve been asked so many bloody times
1. Full Name: Benjamin Semerdjian
2. Nicknames: None really..well Benny..but that's obvious
3. Birthday: July 9th, 1985
4. Place of Birth: Sydney, Australia
5. Zodiac Sign: Cancer
6. Male or Female: Male
7. Grade: Umm..im not in school
8. School: Finished with school in 2002
9. Occupation: Currently unemployed..Undertaking college studies..i assume my next job will be somehow related to administrative duties or an entry level job in information technology
10. Residence: what about it?
11. MSN Screen Name: right now..."ben. - year after year, running over the same old ground; what have we found? the same old fears. i wish you were here" ..im on a bit of a Pink Floyd roll atm.
__Your Appearance___
I've already mentioned these all, but once again for those who missed it...
12. Hair Colour: Brown
13. Hair Length: Short
14. Eye color: Brown
15. Weight: I haven't checked in a while..I think about 60-65kg
16. Height: 5' 7 / 5' 8
17. Braces?: No
18. Glasses?: Yeah, but I don't use them alot
19. Piercings: None
20. Tattoos: None
21. Righty or Lefty: Right
___Your 'Firsts'___
22. First best friend: Stefan. I've known him for 3/4 of my life. Since about 1990. We sit and talk about "the old days" like old timers
23. First Award: Um..I can't remember..Some sort of an award for effort in class or something like that
24. First Sport You Joined: An attempt at competitive Cricket in Year 7 which lasted one match
25. First pet: Budgie, but escaped before i even turned a year old, so only very vague memories
26. First Real Vacation: I think it was Kiama..some Caravan Park there..in regional NSW
27. First Concert: I'm not sure if you count it as a concert, but seeing REM as part of a pay tv music network called Channel [v] - they did two acoustic songs and were interviewed. The first full blown concert was the Foo Fighters live at Channel [v] in 2002
28. First Love: Umm......Too long ago
___ Favorites___
29. Movie: Too many. The Pink Panther movies (With Peter Sellers, and NOT that rubbish last movie which was just a bunch of outtakes put together..lame attempt to milk every cent out of the franchise..that was sad)
30. TV Show: Umm...I don't watch alot of TV nowadays it's all Reality shit. Everybody Loves Raymond was pretty good. Seinfield. The Simpsons.
31. Color: Black or Grey
32. Rapper: Probably Ice Cube
33. Band: Foo Fighters. Followed closely by Pearl Jam
34. Song Right Now: Umm..right now I've been listening to "Breathe" by Pink Floyd alot
35. Friend: No. That's not fair. I don't have a single favourite friend. I appreciate them all
36. Candy: I dunno..Anything with caramel i guess
37. Sport to Play: Soccer is alright.
38. Restuarant: I'm not really in with that whole scene..I couldn't choose a favourite..
39. Favorite brand: Doesn't bother me
40. Store: Uh..well any kind of music related store really. CD stores. Music (Equipment) stores
41. School Subject: Music
42. Animal: Dog
43. Book: I'm more into biographies. "Heavier than Heaven" by Charles R. Cross (About Kurt Cobain) isn't too bad even though it's filled with factual errors.."Scar Tissue" by Anthony Keidis is a good read..And "Mr Strangelove"..i forget the Author..it's about Peter Sellers
44. Magazine: Dunno. Probably Kerrang! or NME
45. Shoes: Don't really have favourites
___Currently___
46. Feeling: Don't get me started on this. To put it nice and short...sad..upset..distressed..blank..
47. Single or Taken?: Single
48. Have a crush: Oh yeah. Been reading my livejournal? Yeah. Thought you'd heard enough about it already
49. Eating: Nothing right now.
50. Drinking: I just had a Chocolate & Honeycomb flavoured milk drink
51. Typing: What the fuck do you think I'm typing right now? What a stupid question
52. Online?: Yes, I was online when I was writing this. Whether or not I am online whenever you read this..Well I'm not a fucking prophet am I.
53. Listening To: Foo Fighters - "Best of you"
54. Thinking About: My shithole, worthless birthday tommorow and how it's gonna make me feel even more depressed. And also thinking about someone else...Yeah...Mentioned it enough..
55. Wanting To: DUH.....WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK
56. Watching: There are commercials on tv right now. Channel 10.
57. Wearing: Black Slazenger Jumper, Black "Coffs Harbour" (it's a "tourist" location in regional NSW) tshirt..White tracksuit pants.
___Your Future___
58. Want Kids?: I guess maybe one kid would be nice
59. Want to be Married?: Depends. If i could make this current situation with this one girl work out, then oh my god you wouldn't even have to ask.
60. Careers in Mind: Ideally something involved in Music. Realistically it'll probably be some sort of an office / IT / computing related job.
61. Where do you want to live: Doesn't bother me. As long as it's an average / modest suburb.
62. Car: I don't care
__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___
63. Hair color: Doesn't bother me. I guess Darker hair looks alot more sophisticated
64. Hair length: Probably longer hair
65. Eye color: Doesn't bother me.
67. Cute or Sexy: Both would be nice. But cute is enough.
68. Lips or Eyes: Doesn't bother me.
69. Hugs or Kisses: Both.
70. Short or Tall: Ideally, not alot taller than I am
71. Easygoing or serious: Easygoing for sure, although you want some sense of seriousness in there
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Whatever
73. Fatty or Skinny: Average.
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship! What good is a hookup, except for one night satisfaction
76. Sweet or Caring: Both
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: What kind of a fucking question is this?
___Have you ever______
78. Kissed a Stranger: No
79. Had Alcohol: Yes
80. Smoked: Yes
81. Ran Away From Home: Yeah
82. Broken a bone: Yeah..I broke my nose once
83. Got an X-ray: Yeah. My knees
84. Been with someone: What do you mean?
85. Broken Someones Heart: I doubt it. Usually they're breaking mine ROFL
86. Broke Up With Someone: Umm...It's hard to explain..kind of
87. Cried When Someone Died: Yes
88. Cried At School: No. I usually took out my revenge instead.
___Do You Believe In___
89. God: Sometimes. It's kind of difficult to answer this.
90. Miracles: Fuck no.
91. Love At First sight: Tell me about it
92. Ghosts: Sure
93. Aliens: Yeah
94. Soul Mates: I don't know
95. Heaven: No
96. Hell: No
97. Angles: Angles? You mean Angels? No
98. Kissing on The First Date: Why not?
99. Horoscopes: Depends if it turns out being right lol
___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have? : ROFL......READ MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIVEJOURNAL YOU STUPID IDIOT! WHAT DO YOU THINK? |
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| life (what else) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|06:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | (Beyond) Angry | ] |
i've stopped feeling sad, melancholic, upset, emotional, and tearful about things in life (or rather, the feelings are starting to yield;
instead, in the last hour i've started to be overcome by the most overwhelming feeling of hatred, anger and distress
i have been walking through the city for the last hour (i'm at an internet cafe)..it's friday night....so you can imagine the whole social thing starts cracking up to life for the weekend. but i think i've had enough with the attitude of some human beings out there in the world. some people...i don't know how the fuck to type this without screaming in despair......their attitude, man...who the fuck do some people think they are? the way they dress, the way they style their hair....their complete fake mirror image of a partner...these people have serious personal attitude problems which need to be addressed by physical means, not just the odd cuss thrown out here and there.......these people need a nice strong firm punch in the face so they can wake up and realise that just because they wasted 3/4 of their paycheck on the classiest fucking clothes......and especially with guys.....that their girlfriend is a walking barbie doll.....that they own the world and everyone else is a piece of shit? so inconsiderate. no fucking respect for others, no manners, nothing. the bastards bump past you and don't even stop to see if you are alright. one son of a bitch even (i hope it was) unintentionally tripped me over, but just kept staring at me with a blank expression on his face behind his fucking Armani $300 sunglasses or whatever the fuck those brands are......these people are fucked man........I've walked past all these classy glossy fucking bars.....and they're there in their droves......why can't people just be themselves? who do they think they are? do you fucking see me going out there and picking up the most style fucking clothes up there and strutting around the streets like a complete fucking hollywood wannabe tool? i could do it too but i fucking well choose not to because these people are all fake and they obviously have such issues with themselves that they have to hide behind a layer of fucking Gucci and makeup and all that shit. makes me sick man. i'm so fucking frustrated right now i swear to God....And to think that i try hard to be a nice person to others and respect others.........well bloody hell, fuck that. not worth it anymore. the way people fucking well treat you. who some people think they are.
in other news; the harbour is looking really nice tonight. i wish i could sit and actually enjoy it peacefully rather than full of regrets thinking about things in the past with a certain SOMEBODY.......who STILL hasn't fucking told me whats going on.......and my birthday is supposed to me tommorow....ah screw that i never thought much of it anyway. lets see if shes at least got a fucking heart to send a txt saying happy birthday or whatever......then again, not that i give the smallest piece of shit.....but i guess it would give an idea if she still cares about any of this..or anything
has anyone ever had one of these days? i hope not. where you just feel beyond frustrated and beyond pissed off and distressed and you're worried about what you might do? not to say i would do anything to harm others. i'd bloody well take it out on / with myself
then again...that's why they made music called "Heavy Metal"...to let your feelings and thoughts out in a "creative" way (Unless your one of those fuckwits who goes around bashing people in moshpits for no purpose / intentionally). I would mind some really fast, thrashy, aggressive music right now to throw myself against the walls with. or then again, when i get home....i might just write a song. |
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